If your understanding of butch identity changed over time,
how did it and why?
Absolutely. I was fearful and ignorant as a youth—I thought it meant I was and other butches were “manly.” Now, I’ve been able to disconnect the butch identity to maleness/or manhood. Alison Bechdel’s work was a turning point. I saw the musical adaptation of Fun Home as a sophomore in college and something inside me cracked open. I saw it seven times while it was on Broadway and my hair got shorter every time. I ultimately told Alison at the final performance that her work empowered me to come out and I couldn’t have done it without her. I became less concerned over what others think of my presentation over years of being on Tumblr. I learned a lot about self-acceptance there in the early 2010s. The world changed. I started seeing badass femmes in combat gear on TV and thought they were hot even when I still thought I was straight. Before my 40s, I never noticed women. Yes I believe it is ok to dress more like a boy then a girl. My dad finally told me to be who I always thought I was. I really started to embrace my own butchness a few years ago—even before I came out as a lesbian. I think it was a combination of factors—one was discovering Rae Tutera's old blog, the Handsome Butch, along with Bindle & Keep and the affirmation that I had the right to be handsome. That led me to other blogs and websites geared towards butches and gender nonconforming women; seeing women, masculine women, who were proud and handsome and fashionable really changed things for me. So did the encouragement of a good friend of mine when I started buying bowties and more masculine work clothes; that friend is now my wife, and I really can't overstate how much she has done for my self esteem, which was frankly pretty subterranean when we first met. Likewise, finding Facebook groups full of other butches and having that community has made a huge difference for me. Just knowing that there are other people out there with the same struggles and insecurities means a lot. It was scary to me as a child, even though it was something I knew I wanted very badly. Someone finally described me as butch and did not mean it as an insult. She showed me that butch was something to be proud of, not ashamed. My parental influences taught me that lesbians, butches in particular looked and acted butch because they had resigned themselves to being unattractive to men. I was strangely afraid of not being seen as sexually viable because I have cerebral palsy, so I bought into the idea that I had to be feminine and sexually submissive to be loved. I realized I was a lesbian in conjunction with realizing I was butch, with the understanding that butchness was a lesbian-exclusive experience and identity. It hasn't changed yet; I just educated myself more (and I still do) on the matter. My understanding of butch identity is rooted in my experience of Caribbean lesbian masculinity and has changed over time to recognize the similarities and differences between white North American and European butchhood and Afro- and Indo-Caribbean butchhood/studhood. |
Yes. I always perceived butch as girls trying to be guys, which is fine but that wasn’t what I was going for. As I got more exposed I realized this was not the case. I read Stone Butch Blues in college. I had realized I was a lesbian a couple of years before that, but still had trouble seeing myself in the community. I felt predatory around women, and that book made me feel like I didn't have to be. It also made my feelings about gender make more sense. My initial understanding of butchness was borne out of what a homophobic society wants us to think about butches: that it was centered in rejection; of womanhood, of femininity, and it was very reactive to external circumstance. I have since learned (through reading about and interacting with other butches) it can be affirmative and grounding, and is not just a reaction to something that happened to us, but a rich identity with its own history. My family always had a negative outlook on the butch identity so I kind of adopted it, despite becoming one myself. It's lead to some self-hatred and whatnot, but I’m working on it. My understanding of butch identity changed as I grew to understand myself. It's grown over time. As I learned about the history behind it, I've realized how meaningful it is. I grew older and cared less about what others expected, and my amazing wife stroked my boi until I became more me than ever. It has because I have grown into my identity as butch and learned to love myself and others like me. I have realized that butches are some of the most amazing and handsome people on this earth. I believed that butchness was tied up with being stone or more male-oriented, e.g. being a provider or taking charge somehow. I was convinced that I couldn’t be truly butch because my sexuality and relationship style is more equal, and I despise control. Now I know more butches and I realize it’s mostly a supportive strength, being there to back people up, putting ourselves on the front lines, offering our power and utility to other women who don’t have that benefit. I grew up and grew into an understanding that I could be some kid’s ‘ring of keys’ moment. When I first came out as a lesbian in high school, I didn't have any butch role models and I thought it just meant a lesbian who acted like a man, so I took on a lot of fuckboi attitude and toxic masculinity. I would even objectify other women; it was pretty bad. As I've grown and gotten older I've definitely wrestled with my own internalized misogyny, better realized that I should respect and protect women and that being a butch is less emulating a man and more just doing what I want in spite of men, not because of them. When I was in college in the late 1970s, we made fun of the butch/femme dynamic and even had a party to emphasize our disdain for it. In my head I was saying, “I love dressing like this” (suit and tie). In the 2000s, I rediscovered MichFest and was encouraged to do the “Butch Strut.” That was a watershed moment for me. I started embracing more comfortable clothing choices and changed my name legally from “Cecilia” to CJ. Now I’m fully my butch self. |