What struggles have you faced in your butch embodiment?
I am very connected to being a butch woman. So even though I dress masculine or have short hair, it still hurts sometimes to have my gender identity dismissed. “Ain’t I a woman, too?” While I love and support trans folk, I am also uncomfortable with how often queer folk ask me if I’m going to transition. No, I’m just a butch lady, people! I was terrified to start dressing more masculinely. I was afraid it would lead to awkward conversations and people thinking I had become a stereotype. People are really awful to me in public restrooms. Also the TSA gives me a lot of trouble. Generally, society's reaction is much more of an issue than any internal issues. The usual "followed into the bathroom" and "dirty looks in the locker room" from strangers. My brother made some derogatory remarks when I was growing up that really held me back until I decided I didn't care what he said, and he also grew up finally. None. I get sir’ed a few times a week (and did even before I came out and started dressing and doing my hair more "masculinely.") But in a patriarchal society, that's kind of a weird compliment, so it doesn't bother me. That I want to be man when I don’t. While being butch in a largely straight, gender conforming world is never easy, the most painful experiences I've had as a butch woman have actually come at the hands of other LGBT people. There seems to be a perception in some quarters of the LGBT community that butches are essentially men, or are failed/in denial trans men, which leads to a lot of lecturing about our alleged "male privilege," "toxic masculinity," etc. After experiencing a couple of really nasty pile-ons by self-described "queer femmes" (and one by several straight, cisgender women who vocally identified as "femme"), I avoided LGBT spaces, both online and in real life, because I felt like I knew how to deal with nastiness from straight people, but experiencing similar marginalization by other LGBT people was so upsetting and frankly traumatic that I wasn't willing to put myself at risk of experiencing more of it. Based on my conversations with other butches, I'm far from the only one with this experience. My mom has spent my life trying to make me more feminine, it’s only in the last few months she’s given up. Harassment in public, at schools, at work, online, anywhere really. I feel pressured by society to be more feminine sometimes. I never give in to that pressure anymore, but it is still there emotionally. Sometimes I question whether I should dress more feminine for my own safety. I never do. Never will. Dysphoria is a big struggle for me, but I do not think that has to do with being butch specifically. Being disabled, I struggle with seeing myself as physically strong, despite being emotionally nurturing and protective. I also struggle with some of the sexual expectations of butchness, as I am not "stone" by any measure. |
I have been and still am harassed in the streets, while minding my own business. I get called a dyke. I get misgendered (sometimes maliciously). I have been asked to perform femininity to make people more comfortable-putting make up on, shaving, letting my hair grow longer, not wearing my suits. Even back when I was just a tomboy, I have to hear from fellow LGBTQ people that I have masculine privilege. And I am sure I missed something and that there are more to come. I get made fun of a lot for wearing suits or boys clothing. After high school I was able to embrace the person I am and it threw a lot of people off. I lost a lot of friends and a lot of my family changed how they acted towards me. In public it does not really seem to bother anyone. Trying to accept my body isn't going to be as butch as I would like it to be. As well as getting kicked out of public restrooms. Just allowing myself to dress masculinely, and then struggling with backlash once I did. Even employers have asked me to wear nice (feminine) clothes to formal events. As a trans woman, people try to tell me that embodying masculinity either means I'm just a man, or just as bad as men, and that only femininity is radical. I'm afraid to go into interviews dressed as I want to dress in fear of being passed over because the interviewer is some bigot. Also my dad definitely doesn't like the fact I dress more masculine. As a child, being made fun of (by my parents!). As an adult, being misgendered, always having to be aware of how I might intimidate or alienate others. People have made comments about my hairy legs before that made me feel like they were gross. Sometimes I feel scared to go places because I don't know what people will think of me. I anger people who don’t understand me. I know that my wife is concerned about my safety at times, as I was once attacked. Also, she is worried about travelling overseas where they may be “angered” by my trans-look. In India, we faced some anger and I presented way more femme then, soon we’ll be off to Kenya and it concerns us. Other people assuming that I identify as male, having trouble finding clothes that I like that fit my body type, having family continue to give me feminine clothes and jewelry on holidays, being afraid of violence as a visibly queer person. Fairly constant baiting from men; struggling with a feeling that I may be judged if I “slip” from this one butch expression, like wear a skirt or eyeliner once, then I won’t be taken seriously; the general difficulty of affordably dressing in masculine clothing with a female figure! How to ‘look butch enough.’ I’m short and fat and so clothes cut for men don’t often fit me well. For comfort in movement I default to leggings, but for comfort in expression I would wear much more formal outfits. |